One Year Ago

On this day last year, I enrolled in Kate Bee's 'Getting Unstuck' course, which she offers via her website The Sober School ( https://thesoberschool.com/ ). Six-weeks of no drinking, accompanied by daily 'lessons' - videos and other informative and inspirational content to help you break away from the grip alcohol has on your life.

I'd already stopped drinking, just before New Year, so I had a bit of a head start before the official Day 1 of the course.

(I want to point out, before I go any further, that my failure to remain alcohol free after the course has nothing to do with the quality of what Kate has created. The videos and articles are really excellent and I know that there are many course graduates who have happily put alcohol behind them for good. I take full responsibility for my failure (for the umpteenth time!) to stay away from drinking alcohol.)

To be honest, I was rather cocky. The beginning of an AF stint is never a problem for me. Once I've made my commitment, I'm usually blinkered by determination and am riding my high horse atop pink clouds for at least a couple of months. The fact that I'd paid a substantial amount of money to enrol in the course meant that I was serious in my commitment. I really hoped to find the missing piece that would magically make me NOT START to drink again.

But I didn't always keep up with the lessons and the activities. I felt like I'd 'been there, done that' with a lot of the content. (I've quit drinking so many times over the last 15 years, and I've done a LOT of googling and reading about alcohol and addiction.)

I could see lots of women were communicating regularly in the comments sections, but I never kept up with it, due to work and other commitments letting me get behind. And also because, like I said before, I was feeling good and like I didn't really need the support at that time. I was arrogant in my absence from the comment section, now that I think about it. I definitely didn't take it as seriously as I could have.

When the six weeks were up, I was still going strong. And the course was over. I hadn't really made any connections with anyone, so I didn't have any outside support later, when I ended up thinking of  - and actually - drinking again.

Anyway, the reason I mention this course is because, if I'd properly followed its advice (and actually DONE the activities, such as building a sober toolkit), then I would have been alcohol free for over a year today! I'm not going to beat myself up for my failure to stick to the original goal. All I will say is that right now, I am absolutely determined to be celebrating a full year sober in just under 365 days time.

Congratulations and a huge shout out to the ladies who did that same Getting Unstuck course with me in January 2019. Some of you are riding high on your achievement of a sober life a full year later, and I have nothing but respect and admiration for you.

And thank you for your amazing work, Kate Bee. You're truly an inspiration! I'm going to be dropping back into the course content over the next few weeks, doing some activities, re-reading and re-watching.

I've just finished Day 8. I know that this initial AF confidence may fade, and that Moderation Mary could rear her ugly head at any moment. If today's reflection on the last 365 days has taught me anything, it's that I need to be better prepared for when this DOES happen. Having access to the course content, even a whole year later, is so very much appreciated.

Betty
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A Night at the Theatre

Does it sparkle without sparkling? Can it shine without wine?

Gosh, how many times in the past have I been to see a show and drunk one, two or one-too-many glasses of cheap (yet overpriced) wine or bubbly? I've joked about needing the alcohol to get through a godawful production, to numb myself from the boredom or the bad acting or the ridiculousness.

And then there are the shows that I've loved, or at least mostly liked. Well, I used to drink at those too. If not before or at interval, then afterwards while chatting with friends, sharing my opinions with varying degrees of tact (and volume!)

I love the theatre. Straight plays, musicals, drama, comedy - the lot. There's nothing much I enjoy more than being moved to laughter or tears by a live performance, a brilliant script or a breathtaking song. To sit in the dark and be transported, to feel moved and changed by the shared experience. Smiling until my face hurts. It's all so wonderfully life affirming!

Which is why, from now on, I don't want a single drop of alcohol to skew my perception. If a show is good, then I want to feel clear and open to receive and remember it. I want to walk out feeling completely alive.

And if it's average, or boring, or terrible, or simply not my taste? Well, that's all part of the wonderful pot-luck that is live theatre! I want to appreciate the good and not let alcohol turn me into a bitch who only focuses on the negative. Or offends people when the few inhibitions I have have been lowered or vanished completely!

This evening I went to the opening night of a big professional musical. A colourful, modern family favourite - a kids' show, really. I saw a production of it a few years ago and really enjoyed it, so was keen to go when a friend offered me a free ticket for this one, tonight.

It goes without saying that the most important thing about the evening was that I didn't drink any alcohol! Seven days into my new AF life, I wasn't going to let the false glamour of the theatre bar entice me.

Unfortunately, I didn't enjoy the show as much as I'd hoped to. There were good elements, for sure, but overall I was glad I hadn't paid for the ticket!

With a sober, clear mind, I could see it for what it was - a fun show for kids - and remember what made the previous production I saw so great, but I know it'll never be on my list of favourite musicals.

And even more importantly, I'm so very glad to have called curtains on my drinking career!

Betty
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Hello, Saturday morning!

I didn't drink last night!

I went to hang out with a few friends at one friend's place. One of those great impromptu gatherings on a summer evening. Sitting around eating and drinking, chatting, relaxing. I love being on holidays at this time of year!

I had brought my bottle of Seedlip (purchased last summer when I was AF) and a bottle of tonic. I wasn't even considering drinking alcohol, or tempted by the fact that I knew my friends would be having a glass or two.

There was beer, wine, gin and whiskey on offer. Not interested, thanks.

Then one of my friends turned up with a half-drunk bottle of champagne leftover from New Years Day.

The lovely flutes came out and a couple of glasses were poured, and I suddenly thought to myself that maaaayyybe I'll just have a small glass before I start on my AF drinks...

WHAT?!?!!

I am so glad to now realise, very clearly, that champagne/prosecco/bubbly is my biggest trigger at the moment when it comes to alcoholic drinks. It's good to know that I've gotta watch out for this sparkly siren in particular, as I forge ahead on my new AF path.

The thought of drinking only lasted about half a minute, but the temptation was definitely there, along with the voice of Moderation Mary trying to convince me that I'd be OK to just have one.

That Moderation Mary, she's such an annoying bitch! Even if I did have 'just one drink' last night, there would be a day in the not-too-distant future - maybe even today - when I absolutely would have more than one and end up regretting it!

Fortunately, my new AF commitment is so strong that I was able to mute Mary and the sparkly siren song, and enjoy my Seedlip and tonic. Ahhh!

So good to wake up clear-headed and fresh for the weekend :-)

Betty
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A drug by any other name...

I wasn't sure what I'd write in this blog today, given that I haven't felt like drinking and didn't want to just pointlessly dredge up old stories and problems (very good - looking forward, not back, etc.) As I've already said, I don't drink daily anymore, and I'm feeling very motivated to stay off the booze at the moment (yay!)

But even though I was all good on the AF front, I've had a pretty emotionally turbulent day. Feeling really overwhelmed. After some time with a friend and a whole lot of manic thinking and then desperate Google-will-solve-my-life internet time, I've come to the same conclusion that I usually do: I spend too much time trapped in my head, overthinking things, which makes my life seem so much more full of problems than it actually is. 

I've been feeling so restless and aimless and stuck in my life lately. On a visceral level I KNOW that I need to get out of my head and into my body more. Instead of being passive, sitting on the sidelines, overthinking my place in the world, I need to ENGAGE with it more. I've got to DO MORE and think and talk less! But for some reason, I. Just. Don't. 

I procrastinate. I distract myself. I numb myself. I avoid. I kill time. 

And it's killing me.

Last night I vowed that I wouldn't layer multiple life goals on top of myself at the moment, and instead just focus solely on sobriety. But I know that the habits that I engage in when I'm not drinking are wasting my life as much as the alcohol does when I am imbibing. 

In recent months - probably the last year, at least, to be honest - my biggest distraction/life waster has been YouTube. (What am I saying? I've been wasting YEARS of my life spending too much time on the internet, this isn't a new thing!)

Look, I'll admit I have a terrible tendency to humblebrag about the fact that I don't have Facebook (it's true, I quit a few years ago and haven't looked back). And I even deleted my Instagram account last week after barely using it for the past year. But I have to admit I have a serious YouTube 'habit' (um, addiction?)

I've always thought that YouTube is better than social media because I mostly just watch/listen to motivational videos, self-improvement stuff, etc. And it's true that I've found some really great YouTubers, and gotten value out of a lot their content...

But I seriously spend HOURS of my life on it, daily! I hate to think how many hours. I never structure my time and could easily waste every night of the week on it, not to mention mornings when I don't have to work until late.

The sad thing is, I don't actually have any hobbies. When I'm not working or spending time with friends, I prop up my spirits and try to keep motivated and positive with Law Of Attraction videos, minimalism vlogs and other self-help and spirituality stuff. The irony being that I spend so much time listening to the videos that I don't actually give myself time to put what I've learnt into practice!

So of course, this evening, because I had plenty of time on my hands due to not drinking and also avoiding preparing a proper dinner (as always), what did I instantly gravitate towards? YouTube, of course!

BUT the universe must have finally had enough, because the thumbnail that grabbed my attention was a video called: "Addicted to YouTube? WATCH THIS." 

So I watched it.

And now I'm cured! (LOL).

OK, well, maybe it's not that simple. But I didn't watch another video afterwards - I jumped straight on here to write this blog post, so something must have clicked! (Let's see how I go tomorrow... or when I've finished writing this and it's not bedtime yet... Eek!)

Alcohol numbs me so that I don't notice the hours and the weeks and the months slide by while I get older but don't grow. The way I use YouTube has the same effect. I distract myself from living a better life, from challenging myself, from doing things that would make me happier and more fulfilled.

Enough's enough.

Betty

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I've got ONE job...

Don't drink alcohol.

That's it.

It's tempting to throw down a laundry list of New Year's Resolutions (which might as well be titled 'You Are Not Good Enough'), but despite the overwhelming desire to change everything about myself and my life right now, I'm Not Going To!

The first day of 2020 is nearly over and I've spent the last few (many!) hours reading sober blogs to reinforce my commitment to AF living. Given that it's been, what, FIFTEEN years of being on this drink/quit drinking merry-go-round, it's easy to sometimes think that I've read it all and I know all there is that can be said about embarking on a sober journey. I can be such an annoying know-it-all sometimes. (I mean, if I really knew all the answers, I wouldn't be here at Day 3 again, would I? Derr!)

Anyway, I've just stumbled upon a gem in Belle Robertson's 'Tired of Thinking About Drinking' blog. At about the two-month mark in her sobriety, Belle started trying to make additional self-improvement goals such as losing weight and starting a writing project. In the PDF version of the blog (that I received when I signed up for her regular emails yesterday), she's made an edit, several years after the original writing of the blog. In it she advises against 'layering more goals on top of early sobriety'.

I have to stop to let that one sink in, because it's the kind of thing I'd normally just dismiss, and barge on ahead with my aforementioned endless list of things I want to change about myself. Given that it's the first day of the year, I have been thinking about wanting to eat better, to maybe quit coffee again, to get more exercise, cook more often, etc, etc, etc.

But maybe - and here's a genius brainwave - maybe I don't achieve most of my self-improvement goals because I try to do too many of them at once without actually focusing solely on ONE at a time, for a decent chunk of time. (Derr! Again).

So that's my decision: I'm going to give myself just one job, and that is to make sure that I don't drink alcohol, no matter what. As my wonderful WhatsApp 'pen friend' and fellow Sober Sister Irish Susan from Madrid would say, "Not today, lady. Not today". (Note to self: write about Susan and the Sober Sisters in a future post; they are amazing women and deserve a proper mention).

I'm not going to drink today. Not today, lady. Not today. And tomorrow I'll say the same thing. And that's going to be my primary focus for the foreseeable future.

Hmmm. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I can keep on that track, then the other things I want to do will sort themselves out along the way :-)

Betty
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Happy New Year! (Day 3 Alcohol Free)

Every New Year, I get enthusiastic and determined about making resolutions - and of course, like almost everyone else, I don't actually keep them. I'm not really surprised anymore, because the truth is, I'm forever trying to make improvements to myself - you know, 'live my best life' - all throughout the year, regardless of the date.

All the usual stuff - I resolve to exercise more regularly, or to eat more veggies, or to finally start meditating. I want to read more books (or at least finish the one I started last month), or find a new hobby that I'll like enough to stick to for longer than a week...

But the truth is, I usually just forget about these things within a few days. The months roll on and I'm busy with work, trying to spend quality time with my boyfriend (we've been together for a year but don't live together yet), and the endless roster of 'catchups' with old friends whose lives long ago darted off in different directions to mine. (I'm in my early 40s and don't have any kids).

Anyway, there's one resolution I never forget about, even when I'm not sticking to it: my resolution to quit drinking alcohol. 

I'm not going to waste time detailing how many times I've quit. Too many to remember, anyway! And I'm certainly not going to wallow in the horror stories of my binge drinking past. I don't think that'll help. I'm really tired of looking back, like I'm living life with my eyes fixed on the rear-vision mirror instead of straight ahead of me.

I've had successful alcohol free stints before, but even when they've stretched out to months at a time, I've wound up drinking again. I'm so bloody dizzy from being on this merry-go-round of drinking, then not drinking, then convincing myself that moderation will work, then accidentally having too much and winding up back at Day 1 all over again.... It's got to change. I know I've said that before but I have to believe that eventually the change will happen and it'll stick. I need to do something different in order to make that change.

So I'm writing this blog to help me through it. If thoughts about drinking or not drinking are always swirling around my consciousness anyway, I reckon that writing them down might actually be what makes the difference. Even if no one else reads this, the accountability to myself has to mean something.

I'm determined to stick to this resolution - for good!

Betty 

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