I wasn't sure what I'd write in this blog today, given that I haven't felt like drinking and didn't want to just pointlessly dredge up old stories and problems (very good - looking forward, not back, etc.) As I've already said, I don't drink daily anymore, and I'm feeling very motivated to stay off the booze at the moment (yay!)
But even though I was all good on the AF front, I've had a pretty emotionally turbulent day. Feeling really overwhelmed. After some time with a friend and a whole lot of manic thinking and then desperate Google-will-solve-my-life internet time, I've come to the same conclusion that I usually do: I spend too much time trapped in my head, overthinking things, which makes my life seem so much more full of problems than it actually is.
I've been feeling so restless and aimless and stuck in my life lately. On a visceral level I KNOW that I need to get out of my head and into my body more. Instead of being passive, sitting on the sidelines, overthinking my place in the world, I need to ENGAGE with it more. I've got to DO MORE and think and talk less! But for some reason, I. Just. Don't.
I procrastinate. I distract myself. I numb myself. I avoid. I kill time.
And it's killing me.
Last night I vowed that I wouldn't layer multiple life goals on top of myself at the moment, and instead just focus solely on sobriety. But I know that the habits that I engage in when I'm not drinking are wasting my life as much as the alcohol does when I am imbibing.
In recent months - probably the last year, at least, to be honest - my biggest distraction/life waster has been YouTube. (What am I saying? I've been wasting YEARS of my life spending too much time on the internet, this isn't a new thing!)
Look, I'll admit I have a terrible tendency to humblebrag about the fact that I don't have Facebook (it's true, I quit a few years ago and haven't looked back). And I even deleted my Instagram account last week after barely using it for the past year. But I have to admit I have a serious YouTube 'habit' (um, addiction?)
I've always thought that YouTube is better than social media because I mostly just watch/listen to motivational videos, self-improvement stuff, etc. And it's true that I've found some really great YouTubers, and gotten value out of a lot their content...
But I seriously spend HOURS of my life on it, daily! I hate to think how many hours. I never structure my time and could easily waste every night of the week on it, not to mention mornings when I don't have to work until late.
The sad thing is, I don't actually have any hobbies. When I'm not working or spending time with friends, I prop up my spirits and try to keep motivated and positive with Law Of Attraction videos, minimalism vlogs and other self-help and spirituality stuff. The irony being that I spend so much time listening to the videos that I don't actually give myself time to put what I've learnt into practice!
So of course, this evening, because I had plenty of time on my hands due to not drinking and also avoiding preparing a proper dinner (as always), what did I instantly gravitate towards? YouTube, of course!
BUT the universe must have finally had enough, because the thumbnail that grabbed my attention was a video called: "Addicted to YouTube? WATCH THIS."
So I watched it.
And now I'm cured! (LOL).
OK, well, maybe it's not that simple. But I didn't watch another video afterwards - I jumped straight on here to write this blog post, so something must have clicked! (Let's see how I go tomorrow... or when I've finished writing this and it's not bedtime yet... Eek!)
Alcohol numbs me so that I don't notice the hours and the weeks and the months slide by while I get older but don't grow. The way I use YouTube has the same effect. I distract myself from living a better life, from challenging myself, from doing things that would make me happier and more fulfilled.
Enough's enough.
Betty
x
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